A hard lesson to learn

I have really been lazy lately and haven’t blogged about anything.  And, to be honest I can’t think of anything to blog about.  The only thing I can blog about would be considered complaining and the Word says not to complain or groan.  Actually, it’s not so much complaining as it is frustration.  I HATE searching for a job.  As many of you know, I have only been a “temporary teacher” this year.  Before Christmas, I replaced a teacher on medical leave at one school.  After Christmas, I went to another school to replace a teacher on maternity leave.  And, despite all my efforts to show interest in teaching (or just plain being employed) in the Fall, I have nothing. Now, if you aren’t a teacher, you are probably thinking that it’s only May and I have until August to find something.  WRONG.  Well, technically you are right.  But, a teacher’s job doesn’t end in May and start again in August.  A teacher’s job is never done. That isn’t some sweet inspirational quote, it’s the truth.  I am already thinking about next year–what I want to do differently, my goals, how my classroom will be set up, my class expectations, etc. It would be so nice to know what I am going to be doing in the Fall so that I can go ahead and be getting my classroom ready and my mind prepared.  However, if I am not hired until mid Summer or late Summer (like this year) I will hardly have time to prepare for anything.  I will miss AMSTI training (which is 2 weeks long), ARI training, and grade level planning.  And, who knows if I will even be teaching.  The way this school year has gone, it wouldn’t hurt my feelings one bit if it worked out that way.  This has been the weirdest, most stressful, frustrating, exhausting, you name it, school year.  I have disliked it more than I have liked it, and I’ve never loved it.  I feel like I have seen the problems that most teachers see after they have been teaching for a few years, not one year.  I have been treated like I don’t matter, like I’m just a warm body in the classroom and I have been greatly under appreciated for the things I have put up with as a “sub”. It’s pretty much been ridiculous.  That’s the perfect word. And, even though I have reminded myself a million times that this is where God wants me, I still have to wonder if it really is when I can’t think of a morning that I was excited about the day ahead or an afternoon where I came home satisfied about my job. It frustrates me to the point that I want to cry, even just writing about it. And, there have been many days that I have come home upset because I hated it so much and just got tired of putting up with it. But, it’s not about me. It’s not about my feelings, my satisfaction, my wants.  It’s about Him.  If I am trying to find satisfaction in my job, I will never find it.  My satisfaction comes from Him alone.  And that has been the most difficult lesson to learn…to die to self EVERY day and just let Him live through me. Because no matter where I am and who I am with, I am going to have horrible days and have things happen that frustrate me to no end. And, in order to survive those days, I have to allow Christ to live through me and deal with it. And, just when I think I’ve got it, I lose it and go back to this attitude of hating my job. It’s been such a struggle in my mind–I know that it’s not about me but is there ever a point where God has mercy on me and gives me a job I like?  Will there ever be a job that I like, or is this how all jobs are? Or is that just a selfish thought, to think I deserve something better?  Maybe I’m just being ungrateful.  I am blessed to even have a job, it is God who has given me the ability to work and have an income.  I need to be thankful for it. And, that is another hard lesson to learn.