100% Redneck

We just got back from the annual beach trip with the Wright family to Fort Morgan/Gulf Shores. If you are familiar with the area, we stay about 16 miles down Fort Morgan Road in a house and pretty much have the beach to ourselves. We used to stay in Orange Beach, but the house we stayed in was damaged during Hurricane Ivan and we had to find a new place to stay. My family is NUTS. Any amount of time spent with my family, whether it’s 5 minutes or 5 weeks, is ultimate chaos. If you don’t have a sense of humor and a lot of sarcasm, you will not understand my family and you will probably not enjoy your time with us. No amount of descriptive words gives the Wright family justice. We are stubborn as all get out. All of us. We are either always laughing or arguing about something, and we usually still laugh when we argue. And somehow this family of mine gets along really well. I learned a lot while at the beach. Ben (my bro) brought TH (short for Thomas Holt) to the beach with us. TH is our cousin from our mom’s side of the family, but even that side of the family can be just as nuts as the Wright’s. TH fits in really well. Ben is 17 and TH is 15. Ben and TH are your typical boys–hunting, fishing, trucks, 4 wheelers, dirt bikes, boats, dune buggies, go karts, you name it, they do it. They have created a scale to rate the “redneckness” of others. Of course, they are 100% redneck because they created the rating system. Let me make myself clear, they do NOT look like rednecks, they are just good ol’ country boys that do redneck things. Ben is in the band at Vestavia and TH plays baseball at Pelham, neither of which are redneck activities. Still, they consider themselves rednecks. They have even started creating a new vocabulary. These are the words/phrases I learned while at the beach:

1. “right nice”- you say this when something is, well…right nice
ex. I had a right nice time with you at the beach.

2. “fly”- you say this when you want something
ex. Can you fly me that bag of chips?

3. “Uncle [insert name]”- when someone becomes 100% redneck, you call them Uncle, and they automatically become your favorite person
ex. Uncle Ron, Uncle Granny Rosie, Uncle Dad, Uncle Mom

4. Ben and TH have created new names for their toys and I can only remember 2. The Polaris (jet ski) is the Polar Bear and the mini bike is the flire (I don’t know if that is the correct redneck spelling).

You also may not use numbers that are divisible by 5. I have no idea why. For example, if you need to heat something in the microwave for 30 seconds, you need to put it in for 29 or 31 seconds, but never 30. If someone asks you a question that requires a numerical answer that is divisible by 5, you must not give the exact answer. For example, if someone asks you, “How many more minutes until the movie starts?” and the answer is 20 minutes, you would have to answer “19 minutes plus another one.”

So, the question is–how do you get redneck points? First let me warn you that everyone starts below 0%. I think I started at -20%. You get redneck points for doing or saying redneck things. If you ride the Polaris, 4 wheeler, mini bike, etc. you definitely score some big points. If you say the redneck phrases above or follow the divisibility rule you win points. Another way to score points is to make the redneck face–squish your face up and have an underbite. Here are some examples of how we won points while at the beach:

Quinton (cousin) floored it in the Town and Country on a 2 lane road. He also scored HUGE points when he and TH got kicked off the go kart track for wreckless behavior!
Brent drifted in the Camry.
I correctly used the microwave, frequently used the redneck phrases, and attempted the redneck face in pictures.
My mom and I scored big when we swam in the ocean during feeding time for sharks.

Quinton and Brent have a lot more points than I do because they rode on the Polaris and ramped waves. I do not enjoy riding it in the ocean because I prefer to not fall off and be eaten by a shark. I think I deserve major points for the go kart wreck I had. Ben cut me off around a curve and one of those dumb double karts T-boned me and spun me around. I was helpless until an employee in a lovely Hawaiian shirt turned me around. Side note: My mother once got into a go kart wreck and got turned around. Instead of waiting for the one the employees to turn her the correct way, she put one had on the wheel, turned her head around with her other hand on the back of the seat, and proceeded to back up just as she would if she were in a car. Unfortunately, there is no reverse on go karts and she slammed into a wall when she pressed the gas.

I think I have around 20 points and that is after I lost points for making a comment about being a “city slicker.” I think I’m doing pretty well but I have a lot of rednecking to do before I will be called Uncle Brittany.