Our Crazy Weekend Part 2

Part 2: Childbirth Class

Oh, the dreaded 10 1/2 hours. Saturday from 12:30-6 and Sunday from 1-6. We were pleasantly surprised. The time went by fast and there were parts, many parts, that made us laugh. Even Brent enjoyed it…WOW!

The Instructor: although her personality reminded me of Miley Cyrus, she did a GREAT job! She is a labor and delivery nurse at the hospital where I am delivering and I would love to have her by my side. She delivered all of her children via c-section and said she wouldn’t have done it any other way…which gives me a lot of hope and encouragement!

The breathing exercises: Well, my giggle box was turned over (since I’ve been pregnant my laughter has been completely uncontrollable and unstoppable) so I really couldn’t focus on breathing the right way. It didn’t help that Brent apparently can’t count to 5 either. We had to look each other in the eye to do all this AH-HEE AH-HOO stuff, and we are so immature that it was impossible. I was the one fighting the laughter to try to help him do the breathing techniques the right way. It better not be that way when it’s time to really breathe!

The weird couple: This was my favorite part of the whole weekend. I brought a notebook to write down important notes (duh!), but it ended up being my “blogworthy” notebook. I made notes all weekend of things I need to tell you about this couple. On Saturday, the wife didn’t have on quite enough clothing. She wore her sweatpants below her big belly (which I understand, some pants just don’t fit over the belly) but her shirt also didn’t meet her pants. Her DEEP v-neck white see-through shirt revealed way too much and the bottom of her shirt hit her belly just below her THIRD belly button ring that was still in tact. When we moved to the floor for breathing and relaxation exercises, she decided that she already knew what to do. She ignored what the rest of the class was doing and started doing yoga moves and stretching her body in all kinds of weird positions…all along, her shirt revealing even more than any of us needed to see. She was sitting by us, so I blame her for not being able to correctly do the breathing exercises. I was distracted. On Sunday, the instructor was going through a power point about normal characteristics of newborns…one of them being swollen nipples. The weird couple were the only ones in the room having a boy. The instructor assured them that the swollen nipples are not “man boobs” just a result of the maternal hormones that he has been receiving for 9 months. The wife disgustingly said, “As long as he’s got balls!” Yes, that is an important body part, but must we shout it out loud? Not necessary.

The emotions: Like I said before, my giggle box was turned over. It especially got bad when the instructor showed us a really old video about what to expect postpartum. The lady on the video looked like Pat (the SNL character who’s gender is unknown). We were warned that she looked like Pat, but it wasn’t until I saw her on the video that I busted out in uncontrollable laughter. My biggest mistake was looking at Brent because he was doing the same, so I just laughed even more. And, all you mothers out there know, you have to be careful how much you allow yourself to laugh when you are preggo. You may need another pair of underwear soon. Thankfully, that did not happen to me this time. But my laughter was embarrassing because no one else laughed as hard or as long as I did. My emotions quickly shifted when we watched the birthing videos. The instructor showed us 3: one all natural birth, one vaginal with an epidural, and one c-section. Normally, these types of things cause me to cover my eyes like I’m watching a scary movie. This time, I got extremely choked up and found myself wiping my cheeks with my sleeves when the mom saw her child for the first time. Ah, I can’t wait! But I will NOT be able to stop crying and I can guarantee you it will be the ugliest cry I’ve ever had! I will cherish that moment for the rest of my life.

The Fear: This girl is NOT going to have a vaginal delivery! Thankfully, my doc doesn’t think I will be able to. God knew what he was doing when he combined my creepy fear of hospitals and my unfavorable pelvis…there’s no other way out than to cut me open! Honestly though, I left the class Saturday, called my mom and asked, “Can I just tell my doctor that I prefer a c-section and go ahead and schedule one?” Unfortunately, insurance won’t approve that. It’s not that I have no tolerance for pain, I have an anxiety/hyperventilating issue. When I was 6 years old, I had to get stitches for a dog bite. The dog bite hurt of course, but it wasn’t until my parents told me we had to go to the hospital to get stitches that I FREAKED OUT! I was so hysterical in the emergency room that I had to be strapped down into straight jacket so the doc could give me a shot of anesthesia. That straight jacket is all I could think about while I was in the class. Brent kept reminding me that I was 6 when that happened and I’ve matured since then. I don’t know if that’s true. I still believe I will be hysterical and forget to breathe (like I do on roller coasters, even though I love them) if I have to suffer through hours of labor. I know that a c-section is major surgery, but surgery is a much shorter process (the surgery people, I’m well aware of the recovery time) and that means less time to build up unimaginable amounts of anxiety and have a hysterical break down. I think it’s in the best interest of all involved in this delivery process.

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