I am so sad to say that I am not going to be participating in Black Friday shopping this year. I will be in Gatlinburg with the VK’s for Thanksgiving. Although I will go shopping on Friday at the outlets, it just won’t be the same. I usually go with my mom and cousin and the three of us define Black Friday shopping. Someone needs to do a documentary and follow us around on Black Friday. Seriously. Our record is something like 16 hours. We are there when Riverchase Galleria opens and I’m pretty sure we surpass everyone else that walks into the mall. Have you seen the Target commercials for Black Friday? I love the Christmas Champ because I can relate to her. I am her. Target should have called me to do these commercials.
I’ve been saying for many years that I need to write a book. Let’s be honest, there are some people that are simply not cut out for Black Friday shopping. I’ll admit that I’m a bit of a snob when it comes to the task of shopping the day after Thanksgiving. Since I can not attend Black Friday shopping, I thought I would share with you a few of our (mom, cousin, and me) rules and expectations regarding the Black Friday shopping. We consider ourselves experts, so it’s our responsibility to educate others. Consider it my gift to you. These rules are in no particular order.
Black Friday Mission:
To complete most or all of the Wright/Milstead/Von Kanel Christmas shopping in one extremely long shopping trip by strategic planning and having a go get ’em/don’t mess with me attitude.
This is serious business, y’all. We are trained professionals and we will stick up for ourselves. Yes, even if that means arguing with a stranger over a table at Auntie Anne’s pretzels.
Black Friday Preparation:
1. You may NOT under any circumstance and by any means view sales until Thanksgiving day.
2. Sale ads can not be viewed until Thanksgiving meal is complete and the kitchen is clean. You will need the entire dining room table to plan.
3. All family members are required to turn in Christmas lists by Thanksgiving day if they plan to receive gifts on Christmas day.
4. Compile all lists, compare to sale ads, and make a game plan. The first 4-5 hours of shopping are critical as that is when doorbusters are happening.
Black Friday Shopping Expectations (While you do not have to abide by these, it is really a good idea that you do if you would like to avoid the evil eye and the snide comments from us, the experts.)
1. Get the free snow globe from JCPenney.
2. Going to JCPenney at 4am to buy 2 pillows and then leaving does not qualify as Black Friday shopping.
3. Your best shopping is not done at an outdoor strip mall. You must shop at a large indoor mall.
4. You are allowed to visit stores that are not found in a mall (such as Target and Toys R Us), but you can not do that until you have exhausted yourself at the indoor mall.
5. All shopping during Black Friday is for giving, not receiving. You may not shop for yourself, unless you are shopping for a gift that you will receive from someone else on Christmas day. If you are there to shop for yourself, you will only slow us down.
6. This day is not intended for leisure walking through the mall. We will run you over either with our bags or our bodies.
7. This day is also not designed for youngsters to love on each other in the wee hours of the morning. Black Friday shopping is not an event to which you bring a date.
8. Strollers are not allowed or those ridiculous rolling carts for storing shopping bags.
9. Since strollers are not allowed, neither are children. The age requirement for a kid is 13, must be without a sassy attitude, must be able to stand in long lines without complaining, and must understand the mission.
10. The success of our trip is measured by how many trips to the car we make, especially the amount of trips made before 9am.
11. Review your list hourly to ensure you are abiding by the strategic plan and not forgetting any gifts.
12. Meet at Starbucks in the food court when you arrive. I don’t care if you don’t drink coffee any other day of the year. You need it to endure the day.
13. After noon, the early morning crowd will quickly fade away. They will go home and take a nap. You, however, will continue to shop like a mad woman. You will get looks from “normal” people because you look rough and are getting delirious. It’s okay…stay focused on the mission.
14. Lunch is at 9am at Chick Fil A in the food court, with additional meals/snacks at noon and 4pm. Dinner is at Granny Rosie’s house where she has graciously pulled out all Thanksgiving leftovers and heated them up.
15. After dinner, unload cars and sort through gifts.
16. Pat yourself on the back. Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are beautiful and those awful bags under your eyes are proof that you are a devoted shopper. Stand proud with a smirk on your face, you accomplished the mission yet again.
17. Go to sleep. It will all happen again in a short 364 days and you will need all the rest you can get.
*I can’t believe I forgot this one: Get a pedicure at 2pm at the nail salon inside the mall. It is well deserved in the middle of the shopping day.