I have tears in my eyes as I write this.
I am so vulnerable on this blog and I fear what that can to do me. Like this post where I wrote about getting my passport because I felt like I could be called to go at any moment. What if I never go anywhere? What would you think of me? That I have failed at discerning the voice of the Almighty? Or that I’m just making this stuff up to get a reaction? What if I’m just making things out to have more spiritual depth than they really have?
Well, I’m just me. A me that SO badly wants to be transparent enough for others to see Christ in me. That’s all. So when He prompts me to write something, I do it.
I sat on about the 8th row in the enormous sanctuary next to my mother-in-law. I expressed to her that I wanted to go to the orphan conference and she offered to pay for the two of us to go. Just 10 days after the completion of my miscarriage with the D&C, I found myself in the cold sanctuary as Shaun Groves took the stage to welcome us all to the conference. I was excited to hear from God, praying specifically for ways we as a family could be more involved in orphan care. I walked in with my heart already set on adoption. That’s been a topic of discussion in our household since Summer 2010. Shaun Groves left the stage and on walked Rush of Fools to lead us in worship, starting with one of my favorite songs “Here For You”.
I failed to tell you something vital to this story…the question that I was asked the moment I sat down on about the 8th row in the enormous sanctuary next to my mother-in-law.
“Would you be okay if you never had anymore children of your own?” said a still, small, quiet Voice.
I ignored it. God was talking, but I was ignoring. That can’t possibly be a question He is asking me this close to a miscarriage?!
Again, “Would you be okay if you never had anymore children of your own?”
Shaun Groves opened with prayer and left the stage.
“Brittany, would you be okay if you never had anymore children of your own?”
Rush of Fools began leading us in worship.
“Brittany, please let your heart listen. Would you be okay if you never had anymore children of your own?”
My heart finally
answered yelled back. “NO!” in a quit-asking-me-I’m-trying-to-worship-you kind of way. I laugh at the irony of that last sentence.
Then I calmed down. Sort of.
“I’m not okay with that. Not at all. Absolutely, positively, 100% not okay with never having a child of my own again. It’s not okay. There is not an ounce of me that is okay with even the thought of never having a baby again. BUT…I know that if it’s what You have planned for us, you will make us okay with it. And I tell you something, God, you better have plans to fill our house with orphans if you aren’t going to allow me to have anymore babies on our own!” (You know, just in case God needs some ideas on how to handle this situation.)
I came home from the conference completely upset, as you can imagine.
I sit here tonight thinking, what if this is reality for us?
I have to move on immediately from that thought…too much to bear.
I hold on to the hope that it was just a question.
The enemy likes creeps in and mess with me, Is Lily not enough for you? Is she just not quite enough? You gotta have just one more, don’t you? Why don’t you go tell her that to her face? What do you think she would say? How would she feel?
Yeah, Satan, you nailed it. You know me so well. (Please heed the sarcasm!)
I’m fearful of sharing this with you because what if I find out tomorrow that I’m pregnant? (I’m not and don’t suspect that I am). Some will think God is a liar. Some will think I do a horrible job of discerning the voice of God. Or maybe all of you will just think I hear voices in my head. Ha, who knows?!
This past week I shared these fears with one of my most precious, God-fearing friends. She’s the only person I’ve talked to about “the question” other than Brent. She shared that while she was single she felt the Lord asked her a similar question…if she was okay with being single for the rest of her life? Now she is married and mother to a handsome 16 month old. So does that mean God is a liar? Does it mean she never really heard God ask her that question?
She believes the question was meant to bring her to a place of contentment. It wasn’t a question that implied what her future looked like. It was a question designed to lead her to a place where she could say that she needed nothing and no one but Jesus to be satisfied.
I’m working toward that same contentment. Whether or not the question God asked me is an implication of our future, I want to be satisfied in Jesus alone.
What is the difficult question God is asking you? Are you ignoring it like I tried to do?
“Would you be okay if________?” It could be anything in that blank. Are you so content with God that you are okay with what is in that blank?
Although I did leave the conference quite upset, I also left with a desire to go to the orphan. After I got over my, “Brent, God said I’m never having another baby again!” crying phase, I moved on to the “Brent, God wants us to go visit the orphans” phase.
So we are THRILLED, EXCITED, ECSTATIC, and about to pee in our pants (that’s just me, actually) to announce to everyone (even our families…so don’t feel left out if you are family and didn’t know about this) that we are going to visit orphans in Papua New Guinea next May/June!!! The trip will last about two weeks and is going to be outrageously expensive, but we’ve been faithfully praying about this since we heard of the opportunity and we KNOW that if the Lord wants us there, He will get us there. You know I will have a detailed post about this later!
My answer is still no. I’m not okay with never having another child of my own again. But I am okay with becoming content with the blessings He has already given me. And I am okay with praying with eagerness and excitement for my family’s future that is secure in His good hands.