Three Summers Ago

Three summers ago the Lord began a work in our hearts.

But the enemy lies to me constantly. And many times the lies are easier to hear than the truth of the One who has chosen to reside in me.

I’m afraid to submit to this. I’m afraid to go ahead and do what I know I need to do. Say yes. So, so afraid. The father of all lies tells me that in my submission, I am agreeing with my Heavenly Father that I will never have a baby of my own again.

That is so tragic for me. But it’s way more tragic for me to believe the lies.

I am selfish. I want to have my cake and eat it too. Brent and I deeply desire to adopt an orphan. But, if I am to be completely honest with you, more than adoption I want to carry/give birth to my own child again. At least that’s how I feel at this very moment. I beat myself up for admitting that because there are many mothers, ones that I know, that are unable to have their first biological child or have tried for years to finally have their first biological child. And I didn’t struggle with either of those things. Forgive me, seriously.

It’s a daily battle to trust that God’s way with my womb is good and perfect. Deep down, I know my empty womb is completely full with an orphan somewhere in this world. That stands true whether or not He wills me to carry a baby again.

For the 2.5 of you that keep up with all the details of my every post, you know we had plans to begin raising money to visit orphans in Papua New Guinea next spring. $15,000 to be exact.

God’s plan remains constant, never changing, and always perfect and faithful. Through prayer, lots of discussion, and by His guidance it’s our plans that have changed to be like His. He has pulled our hearts in another direction toward something we’ve wanted to pursue for 3 summers. We’ve never had a defining moment where we heard God instruct us to pursue it now. We’ve just always known in our hearts we are ready when He does tell us now.

But we’ve heard it. Now.

{I’ve typed the word “now” so many times I’m beginning to think it’s not a word, I’ve spelled it wrong, I made it up, and it has no meaning.}

As we began to write our support letter for PNG and gather addresses, we started asking ourselves questions:

When exactly in our timeline do we start fundraising for an adoption? 
Are we going to ask people to help us raise $15,000 for a two week trip, then come home and immediately ask the same people to help us raise approx. $30,000 for an adoption?

We know that if we want to adopt, the long process needs to start now. God can do miraculous things with money and could certainly make a way for us to raise $45,000, but we would rather put all of our fundraising efforts toward one thing. To be the forever family to a precious child of God.

Brent and I attended an information meeting with Lifeline this week. We went in knowing three things: we want to adopt internationally, we want the child to be younger than Lily, and we want a girl (at least we think so). And we fully realize that those three things could completely change as the Lord leads us on this journey.

Adoption was something we thought we would do after we were done having our own children…like 3 or 4…then we would add a 4th or 5th child via adoption. Thankfully, God is the planner of our family and His ideas are different and better than we can imagine. I never imagined that at my age and with only one child I would be sitting in an info meeting for adoption. It was surreal.

After the meeting, we scraped up some change and went to Starbucks with our little info packet and discussed our options over coffee. We were quickly able to eliminate some countries due to our age and countries that require a long travel stay (i.e. the Dominican Republic requires 14-18 weeks in the country before you can travel home with your child).  I have no desire to leave Lily for that long, nor do I desire to take her to a foreign country for that long. We made a pros/cons list with things like age of child at referral, travel stay, how many times you have to travel, average time of completion, etc. We compared the child’s possible age at completion vs. Lily’s age at completion. Surprisingly, the cost of adoptions in each country wasn’t really a determining factor. Because, well, if you are raising $26,000, what’s $4,000 more?

Our countries are narrowed down to four choices. I will disclose the country of choice once we have filled out the application. We have a few questions about the home study process and we want to get a full rundown of the financial aspects and options for grants/loans/fundraisers that are available. Thankfully, there are no transfer fees with Lifeline if we choose one country and later switch to another.

As you would guess, I came home and immediately began dreaming of fundraising ideas. I have an idea for a Christmas fundraiser…that is if we get this process started that quickly (which I hope we do!)

So let our adoption timeline begin!!!

Summer 2010: After hearing David Platt speak at StudentLife camp in Orange Beach, AL, we become sure of God’s calling for us to adopt in the future.

March 2012: God asks me the toughest question I’ve ever been asked. And I still answer with such hesitancy.

Early July 2012: In the middle of the day with no reason for this to cross my mind (because Dora was on TV and Lily and I were playing with pink and purple Legos), I am overcome with the Holy Spirit prompting me to pray right now for our future adopted child…whom I’ve never met and may not even be born yet. So I sat on my couch and did just that. I prayed for the child and the birth mom. I am speechless that I am praying for a child somewhere in this world, or not yet conceived, that belongs in our family. CRAZY!

Late July 2012: We decide to take the first steps toward the adoption process.

August 14, 2012: We attend a Lifeline information meeting and discuss options for international adoption.

Let the journey begin. You know I’ll keep you posted!!!

My dear friend Heather posted this today. It’s a must read. I continue to see the Lord at work in both of our lives in similar ways and this is just another example. Many times lately I have chosen to “cozy up to the sharp pieces of a hope derailed.” As I submit to the Lord’s way in my womb and many, many other things in my life, I need to be more like Mitchell in “not letting the way things look today eclipse to great promise of the future.” Thank you Heather for your transparency!